the recent expositions about some church leaders, it has become clear that Pastoral work and Christianity as a whole is a
huge pillar to Uganda’s economy. Just as a form of encouraging economic development, John K. Abimanyi gives a few guidelines
to follow if any one is interested in starting, maintaining and prospering a church
Start from scratch
Do not wait to build a 10,000-seater auditorium to begin a church. The back yard garage at home can do for starters.
If you follow the instructions below to the dot, you will upgrade to a palace church in no time.
Above all, make it clear from the start that the only way to get a thing from God is by constant,
sincere, and faithful tithing and sowing. The flock should know that God knows exactly how much they earn and
will punish them when they give him less than a tenth. Preach about getting rich and prospering.
Do not talk about sin
and hell because people do not like being blamed for the slightest sin they commit; rather, they want to listen to the promises
of prosperity that God has for them.
You need a loud, sharp and hoarse voice. 21 century
church is not conducted in whispers. Thus, you should be able to scream the lungs out to the masses all sermon long. It shows
that you are an authority on what you are preaching. You should also be able to quote a few Bible verses off the cuff without
turning the pages of the bible.
Organise regular music and dance extravaganzas
facilitated by dynamic bass boost sound systems. It is the only way to attract this day’s youth to your church. You
can also include youth conferences where you talk about sex, abstinence, marriage, and relationships from as many perspectives
as you can create.
They love hearing such talk and will never get tired of it. You would also love to have a mass choir,
probably run by your wife or daughter, where the boys and girls meet to socialise during the practice. This will keep the
youth satisfied and once you have today’s youth, you have tomorrow’s leaders.
Have a unique personality. You ought to have a few vices that you were saved from. Occasionally, remind your church
that you were once a murderer, or a thief but you were saved and are now cleansed. The flock will easily associate with you
because you have been where they are.
Drive high powered SUVs with personalised plates. You would particularly want
to drive a Humvee. This would show that you are a General in God’s army. It helps to spread the word and show how God
has blessed you. You do not need to be a good man to be a pastor. Do not let your promiscuity, witchcraft, lust, and theft
stop you from serving.
The parking yard
After getting the church venue, gather up a few cars
to park around your church on Sunday morning while you conduct your service. People feel secure going to a church that is
attended by trendy looking people. All those that do not have cars, and they are really many, will have hope that within three
months of attending your church, they will be driving as well.
So let them come and fill your bags with ‘seed.’
Words of caution though, do not pack Toyota Corollas a.k.a. kikumi and Toyota Coronas a.k.a. kibina at your venue because
the people may think that your congregation is made up of special hire drivers only.
Gad for God
You need a good English accent. You must be able to pronounce the word ‘God’ as Garrd. That way, you give the
congregation the feeling that you are learnt about the white man’s language; and that only builds their confidence in
you. You should at no time refer to the Holy Spirit as that; rather, call him Holy Ghost; pronounced hurly gawst.
Hire a few people to give testimony once in while. This will send the message that things are working in your church and
keep people anxious and ‘sowing.’ Do not worry about how to get the people to do this sacred job because many
Ugandans would love to do such a thing. If they can sell the most private of their body parts for a couple of coins, then
they can sell off their conscience for a little more than that.
People who matter
people who make things happen in your society. It helps to say words like, “while I was with the President the other
day…” during your sermon. Your flock will know that they are in secure hands because you even command attention
from high people. People like L.C.5 Chairperson, the President and his wife, and many of the kind. With this, you can never
go wrong even if you blander with a prophecy or two.
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS:
1:1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way
of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law
doth he meditate day and night.
3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth
his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.